Disabled grandparenting

No difference

Annette Brown is a blind parent and grandparent with three children – Simon (28), Charlotte (19) and James (9) – and two grandchildren – Shannon (7) and Tia (3). She spoke to Information Officer Coral Jepson.

I didn’t know Davinia, my daughter-in-law, very well before she married my eldest son, Simon. She had had a difficult upbringing and was quite insecure. On the few occasions we met she’d just sit there not saying much. Her own mum wasn’t around much so Tony (my husband) and I would pop down and help her out. Things began to blossom as we coaxed her into being confident with us. When Davinia went into labour with her first child Simon rang and said: “Please come and help us”. Although it was Christmas, and money was tight, I got a taxi (£40!) and went to the hospital and was there when my granddaughter Shannon was born. Although I am totally blind I think Davinia found comfort and safety in my being there. We have a close bond now and since Tony died two years ago, I can call on her if I need to.

The grandchildren are very casual about my blindness. It’s not an issue that I can’t see. They’re so used to it. I don’t know if Simon has told them in a certain way. When I’m out in the street with my youngest son James and Shannon (there’s only two years’ age difference) people ask: “Who are these children?”, as if I don’t have a normal life. They look at James and I say “He’s my son”. Then they look at Shannon (who has mixed heritage; Davinia is from the West Indies) and say “Who is she then?” and I laugh and say “My granddaughter!” The kids have got one nana who is black, and can see; and one who is white, can't see, and has a white cane and a dog. It makes no difference to them.

Davinia is very laid back and I’ve never had to prove myself. It must be very difficult if you’ve successfully been a parent but then feel you have to prove yourself as a grandparent. I know it can be an issue but, for me, being a blind grandparent is no different to being a sighted grandparent.

Annette Brown, London, UK.

Grandmother’s footsteps

Family life changed dramatically, and some shared activities, like hill walking, became things of the past. Gradually we adapted to the changed lifestyle and I found new interests that did not involve the great outdoors.

Regrets about physical limitations re-surfaced when our children became parents. I had always imagined that as a grandmother I would be available for hands-on baby and childcare when wanted.

My mother and mother-in-law were great role models for me. They had enriched our children’s lives and been very supportive to us as parents. When our babies were born, my mother arrived after work each evening   to cook supper and take over bathing and bedtime stories for the older ones. Outings or weekend stays with granny or grandma were popular treats as the children grew bigger, and as busy parents, we found these breaks lifesaving.

When my turn came, I could hold a baby with cushions to prop my arms up, but only for a short time. I certainly could not lift a baby, or bathe them, or change nappies, or pick up a toddler after a tumble – or avert them from danger. So it was not feasible to look after the grandchildren on my own until they were fairly independent. I thought at first that it would be harder to become close to each new grandbaby, but bonds are forged in many ways. You can cuddle up close without actually holding the child, and talking, story telling and lots of play activities do not require much physical effort.

I am still sad that I cannot offer to back up their parents in the traditional grandparently way. I would dearly have liked to have dropped everything to help my daughter out by looking after the baby when he had chickenpox. He could not go to nursery and she had a work deadline to meet.

My disability does bring some advantages to the grandchildren. There is often competition for sitting on granny’s lap when we are on family walks and we were ushered into the Tower of London by a Beefeater ahead of a very long half-term queue because of my wheelchair.

As I am not the main carer, I imagine I would not be eligible for any social services support to enable me to be the sort of grandmother that I would like to be. I wonder if any readers have asked for their role as grandparents to be considered in an assessment of their needs? Extended families are increasingly important to family stability!

Rosaleen Mansfield, London, UK

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