Au pairs: give and take     An equal basis     Remembering Tanis Doe

Parenting support needs

Au pairs: give and take

Involving another person in childcare – which for me currently means having an au pair living in the house with us – brings blessings and pitfalls with it.

However, my use of helpers goes back to the time when my son Ben was a baby, and his father was ill. I discovered immediately after Ben's birth that my previous independence had become severely challenged, and for the first months of Ben's life I relied on his father for assistance with a lot of practical tasks such as bathing and lifting him.

As his illness meant that this was obviously no longer an option, I had several hours' help a day provided by social services. Looking back, I cannot believe how incredibly disempowered I became, and how much I allowed some of the carers to dictate what they would and would not do, for example refusing to wash the sterilising equipment or deciding for me how things should be done with Ben.

When Ben was two we moved to a property which enabled me to have live-in assistance. I have used au pairs ever since, and increasingly I find this the most satisfactory arrangement for me. Because of the age difference, and their lack of experience, we seem to develop a mutual relationship based on give and take: I feel they get as much as they give.

In the early days, when Ben was a toddler, their role was a lot busier and had more of a childcare component.

My first au pair, a young Slovak woman, used to walk miles with Ben in the pushchair, taking him on buses to meet with other au pairs and the children they looked after, to the extent that they had a network of friends I rarely saw!

This particular woman had religious beliefs I do not subscribe to, and she sometimes took Ben to church with her. This gave me some quite interesting moments of soul-searching, but I decided he would get some positive things from the experience and we would deal with any fall-out later!

Obviously this type of arrangement requires a degree of trust, and I have encountered situations more recently when I have not been happy with the activities an au pair thought appropriate for a four-year-old, such as watching a violent movie. Friends have since told me that they thought I should have dismissed her for this, but I was held back by the same old feeling of dependency, and the fear that I might not be able to find a replacement.

As Ben becomes more independent, the type of help I need changes. I love the times when I am on my own with Ben, but I know that realistically I need some help, particularly with household chores and tedious errands which would sap my precious energy. Inevitably an au pair's relationship with Ben changes as he is growing up, and I wonder what will happen as he becomes a teenager. Watch this space!

Lucy Savage,

Ruislip, Middlesex, UK.

An equal basis

It is important to acknowledge that it is the parent who is the primary carer. This does not change just because a parent has support needs.

As part of a research project, I talked to many disabled parents about their experiences. Below are some quotes, which give an idea of how personal assistance can support parenting.

"I am raising my daughter my way, with physical assistance provided by people I choose. They are trained by me to work my way and, without judgment, they provide me with a service that enables me to be who and what I want to be, and that includes being a parent."

"Personal assistants never offer my daughter food or share biscuits because that's my job. This means that if she wants something to eat she will ask me."

"From the very beginning we have created a clear set of guidelines for everyone to follow. The key to making it work so far has been effective and clear communication."

"We ask personal assistants always to pick her up from behind, enabling my daughter to be lifted safely and comfortably without it becoming a cuddle and with her remaining able to maintain eye contact with me."

"By employing personal assistants I am able to parent on an equal basis with my partner and together with our daughter we have created a system that works for us."

Rowen Jade, Bristol, UK.

Remembering Tanis Doe

We recall the powerful presentation she gave on parenting and mental health at the 2nd International Conference on Parents with Disabilities in Oakland, California in 2002. A report of that presentation was included in DPPi journal, issue 40. Tanis contributed, under the name Vicky D'Aoust, to the anthology, Bigger Than the Sky (ed.s Wates and Jade, 1999).

Tanis was greatly respected as a scholar, writer, teacher and activisit and as a human being passionately committed to inclusion. She provided leadership training and personal mentorship to huge numbers of students and advocates who warmly recall the inspiration she provided. She was well loved for her quirky sense of humour, sparkling eyes and zest for life in all its aspects, including wheelchair ballroom dancing, Snapple drink and sunflowers! Her work on a range of subjects, including parenting, mental health, bioethics, violence and sexual abuse, independent living, community participation, advocacy and disability rights, has created a legacy that will inform future generations.

This writing has been informed by the tributes that poured in to a memorial web site set up after Tanis died. See: http://dawn.thot.net/tanis/guestbook.html

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